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Random Bits

I wrote this-week-in-blogging off a few days ago; but rather than posting exhaustive-ottomottopea again, here's some random thoughts on my mind for February the 13th, 2009:

• It's snowing again... bloody miserable... is this London? (A: No. Des Moines' culture is put in place by a group of city planners who apparently like a lot of stuff, but don't really love anything).
  
• Pitchers and catchers report today. I'm boning up (did this phrase come from a dude who instead of studying at his girlfriend's, started "boning up" on her?) on my knowledge of other teams for my return to fantasy baseball management. If I were the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates, my opening day line-up would be: Nate McClouth (CF), Jack Wilson (SS), Craig Monroe (LF), Ryan Doumit (C), Adam LaRoche (1B), Eric Hinske (RF) Andy LaRoche (3B), Ian Snell (P), Freddy Sanchez (2B). I doubt it'll look like that...
• I wish I could find last night's premiere of "Delocated" to stream online.
• Important Things w/ Demetri Martin was as good as I suspected it'd be. I had no expectations. I suspect that I probably should've used expected in the first instance. Oh well.
• The College Humor Show wasn't too bad... actually, I may have enjoyed it. < /backhanded-praise >
• Still haven't seen How's Your News? I don't think I'll care for it... but maybe I'll watch it every once and a while, if you pay me... like a babysitter.
• What to do for lunch today? I have to go out and make a car payment. Maybe I'll get some Arby's on the way back? Damn. Everything good at Arby's is beef or ham on a chicken sandwich... maybe I'll get some China.
• I have three scripts to type up. That's better than no scripts, but I should probably write a couple more. Short Shorts 2009.
• I bought my Louis CK ticket. I'm considering also buying a ticket to see Ben Folds next month. They went on sale two hours ago... maybe they're sold out now? Eh.
• JB was just online and then off! I bet he'd eat China with me... if he had a long enough brake from the Home & Gardens expo... lawl.
• I just made what I believe to be a pretty killer Robin Williams reference on facebook.
• I'm considering only attempting to blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The 30 visits I've had this week aren't very encouraging.
  

Fail (Continued)

Ugh.

Funny Friends

My buddy Greg performed his first stand up comedy routine last night in Cedar Falls. I made the two-hour trip to see his five minutes and it was definitely worth it. Greg is a funny guy with some funny jokes. Once I get his permission, I'll put up the video I recorded of his set. My buddy Mike accompanied me on the trek up to CF (thankfully, as I can't stay awake while driving on the highway alone). We had a productive chat on the way up and back in regards to future projects of our own. Over the next few months, I hope to organize a way to showcase all of my funny friends. This includes plans to put together a comedy variety show with stand up from pals like Greg, sketch comedy, and some live improv. I'm going to be creating a website to gather all of these types of things and a bit more, including a podcast that we plan to start within the next couple of weeks. With these plans and the additional writing/shooting/editing of more Short Shorts, I should be a pretty busy guy for the next couple months. I'm looking forward to it.

Pittsburgh Pirates 2009 Edition

When I was a child, I made a poor decision which has definitely had a negative effect on my life up to this point. In 1992, I became a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. Baseball: I dug it, man. I participated in little league from tee-ball through my senior year of high school (when I quit to hang out with my girlfriend, after throwing out my arm). Over that time, I saw every good player on the Pirates roster move on to greener diamonds and/or increased steroid-use. Poor little Barry Bonds just wanted to be big and strong like Andy Van Slyke! After taking a much-needed year away from baseball in 2006, I participated in my first fantasy baseball league with my online music community for the 2007 season. Team "Loserage" lived up to the expectation set in their name, finishing last by a long ball. Team "Loserage" also consisted of 70% Pittsburgh Pirates. They were awful. Last year, I chugged into the new season with big hopes. The team had a new manager, hitting, and pitching coaches and was returning mostly the same team from the year before! Welp, things didn't go so well last season. This year, the team comes back with a far inferior offense and a new pitching coach. My expectations? This is the year the Pirates lose 100 games; unless:

• Paul Maholm overperforms as a five-starter and becomes an ace. Unlikely.
• Ian Snell finds his balls and starts throwing inside. Possible.
• Tom Gorzelanny remembers where the strike zone is, and hits it more than the ball zone (not-a-strike-zone probably sounds better). Not counting on it.
• Adam LaRoche hits above the Mendoza line in April. It doesn't seem likely to happen.
• Andy LaRoche hits avobe the Mendoza line at any point. It doesn't seem likely to happen.
• Jack Wilson can stay healthy and productive, netting the Bucs some good young players when he's traded in July. Oh geez.
• Freddy Sanchez hits more home runs. Hahaha.
• Brandon Moss doesn't break his knee again. He's our new Jason Bay!
• Nate McClouth and Ryan Doumit have equal or better offense and better defense. Why should they bother?
• Nyjer Morgan is fun to watch, but if nobody can hit or lay down a bunt behind him then he's worthless in Pittsburgh. Ugh.
• Eric Hinske regains prime form and becomes the starting right fielder. Longshot.
• The Sun eats the planet Mercury and instructs Venus to watch itself.
  

Give me liberty or give me taxes!

Yesterday, I was depressed for about three hours following my visit to an online tax filing service. I have been growing excitement in my brainfarm, in hopes of harvesting and selling off all excitement-based assets to fund a trip to the West Coast, specifically Los Angeles, CA. I had looked up airfare on priceline.com ($280 round trip) and was merely waiting to confirm my tax refund before locking in plans for a trip the last week of April. Last year, I made the least money I've made since becoming a working man. Last year was also the first time I've ever had to pay both federal and state taxes. I figured this was a gross anomaly and hadn't considered the idea that I may have to pay again this year. Unfortunately, if you follow me on twitter you already know that, I am once again in debt to the IRS. Instead of receiving a refund for what I hoped would cover my travel expenses, I actually owe the government twice as much. This all because of what I'm considering a final "eff Billy" from Clear Channel. Apparently, they weren't taking enough of my dollars away from me and I never realized it... so, maybe it's sort of my fault too, but not really because eff Clear Channel.

So, I spent a couple hours being bummed that I wasn't going to finally see the Pacific Ocean this year... I'm still kind of bummed, but also a little bit motivated to get my ess together and save up some dollars to go out there this summer. Why am I so stoked to visit L.A.? I've romanticized the place so greatly for a few reasons. A) UCB Theater - I want to be a comedy writer and taking classes at the UCBT would greatly increase my skills and chances of making that happen. B) UCB Theater - So many hilarious people perform regularly at the UCBT, unlike Des Moines, IA where Aziz Ansari cancels, Doug Benson visits for a weekend, and half a year later Louis C.K. comes for one night ($25 @ the Funny Bone, 2/26). We have live improv here in the form of old, unfunny people at the Stoner Theater... nothing like Asssscat or Comedy Death Ray. I have to import comedy via the internet, television, and the films that make it to Des Moines. C) It's month thirty of winter here and anywhere without snow sounds like heaven (but not that stupid Goddy heaven). D) A few of my friends live out there and it'd be really cool to visit them. E) Etc. etc. etc.

So, what am I doing to get my ess together? I'm going to update my resume and try to find a new job in a media-related field (such as television, internet, or non-Clear Channel radio). I'm also going to bust my arse writing sketches and preparing for our web series this spring. Hopefully, I can find some help learning some more video editing skills and become a decent editor (a skill it couldn't hurt to have if and when I make it out west). If you're reading this and know of any media-related job openings, please leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail: wondertaint@gmail.com. Kewl beans - now, I have a sketch to finish writing. It's a dark comedic play on the dramatic "you should call her" scenes in movies... fun.

Michael Phelps defies gravity... bongs

If only Michael Phelps would've gone on the record as an avid user of marijuana... Having a record breaking Olympian on that side of the argument would've really bit some of the other side's debate in debutt. Marijuana makes you slow. Ummmm, Michael Phelps isn't slow. Marijuana makes you lazy. Ummmm, does Michael Phelps look lazy to you? Marijuana makes you eat a lot of bad food. Ummmm, Michael Phelps eats that bad food because he NEEDS the calories. Marijuana will make you a deviant. Ummmm, does Michael Phelps' relationship with the tiniest of big-breasted Asian ladies lead you to believe he's up to any kind of "deviant" behaviour? The only people arguing for the legalization/destigmatization of marijuana only have hilarious comedians on their side - like @DougBenson (the My Cousin Vinny to Michael Phelps' Daniel-san)! Then again, the only people really adamant about defending criminalized marijuana are politicians and religious wackos. In a perfect world, nobody would listen to those maniacs! Personally, I say let people do whatever they want in the privacy of their own home, with the exception of murder, rape, and the creation/selling of addictive hard drugs. Then again, who wants to have to tell their grandma that they forgot to stop by because they were smoking weed? Not me.

blah ska blah

A quick reminder that DWS will be playing at the Vaudeville Mews tonight, doors at 5:00pm. We won't actually play until 7:30 at the earliest (I'd guess). Come see me forget the pre-chorus to "Goodbye" (odds are high despite Ginko Biloba supplements taken just before this entry). It'll be a pretty normal DWS set with the addition of a Moving Mikey song and a Slapstick cover that both Moving Mikey and the Mailbox Snatchers played. If you've read my personal band history blog from a couple months ago, you'd know that those are my previous bands. You knew that, right six visitors a day?

This seems like as good a time as any to talk about one of my favorite things. Ska! At some point in eighth grade, I was introduced to The Aquabats. It was at this very moment, my life diverged down a long, ladyless road. Sure, when you're in high school there'll be a couple of your ladyfriends at the ska show and you two will inevitably skank. It's high school and you're in a band... skanking should happen (at least oral skanking). If you're a socially-awkward guitarist with REALLY bad acne, it'll happen once and then in eight years you'll start a blog. Don't worry, the acne isn't quite as bad as it used to be... and you're fat. If you've seen the Less Than Jake, "evolution of a ska kid" t-shirts, you'll see a very real progression (as it is though, the Descendents' "evolution of man" t-shirt is my favorite "evolution of..." t-shirt). Unless you're Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Big D & the Kids Table, etc., it's really not acceptable to play in a ska/punk band after high school... let alone, three years after you dropped out of community college, but I do and so what!?! While most of my friends began listening to more rock-oriented genres, leaving ska behind, I've began listening to those same genres, shuffled in with ska. I still enjoy most of the bands I dug that eighth grade year and on. This isn't normal, I suppose. Anyways, one of the reasons these ska tunes are still in rotation is my fondness of the energy in the music. A good ska/punk song is like four Mardi Gras, man! Having a bad day? Put on The Fury of the Aquabats and listen to Captain Hampton and the Midget Pirates! TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN! Another reason I dig that ska music, mang: I heart puns and ska is ripe with the worst puns possible. Imo, the best ska-name I've seen was The Skabortionists (Iowa's best ska/punk band, circa 2003). The limitless abilty to throw "ska" on the front of nearly any word beginning with the letter "a" is totally skawesome. Skalmost Heroes! Skanarachist Cookbook! Skaustralia! Skatonement! Skalan Skalda! So many options, IT'S SKAMAZING! Skanyhow, I'm 24 now... and I still listen to and play ska. I'm going to be single forever.

UNBLOG'ABLE THINGS ON MY MIND:

• Bandit Burrito or Shangri-La or Hong Kong or Hu Hot?
• Why was I at a Denver multi-plex, connected to the Bronco's football stadium in my dream last night?
• Why was the stadium surrounded by a field of interconnected trampolines!?!
• Was the little boy who fell off actually me?
• It's really cold outside.
• A water main blew a few blocks from my house this morning. The Des Moines Register informed me via Twitter, when I woke up at 11am.
• Twitter is my favorite.
• @greggrunberg is a New Jersey Informant in Baseketball. Lawl.
• @steveagee is on the Sarah Silverman Program. Season One of which, I purchased last week for $7.50.
• Why aren't @DougBenson and @arjbarker following each other? They were in the Marijuanalogs together. Did they have a skrilla squabble?
  
• @arjbarker was also in Super High Me.
• Zach Galifianakis referred to the UCB guys as "a cult" in Super High Me.
  
• Zach Galifianakis doesn't have a twitter yet (to my knowledge).
• I'm pretty sure I'll be taking a vacation to Los Angeles, CA in April. Round trip airfare is only $285.
• I've never flown before and the idea kinda terrifies me.
• I hope to visit on a Friday when @DougBenson is recording an "I Love Movies" Podcast.
• If I get ahold of Sir, we'll go to Hong Kong or @BanditBurrito.
• If I get ahold of JB, we'll go to Shangri-La or Burger King.
• I really don't want Burger King.
• I'm pretty psyched that the Whitest Kids U Know (@WKUK) have a movie coming out in March. It is entitled "Miss March" and looks like my cup o' tea.
• I hear that "Mystery Team" is written and directed by the guy who made the infamous "Bro Rape" video.
• Both are indie comedies that aren't likely to show @FleurCinema.
• The multi-plex in my dream was named "The Fleur."
• It featured washing machines in the back row of the auditorium's second level seating.
• That's two weird theater dreams in one week.
• Still only one dream featuring Swamp Thing though...
• Time to make lunch happen.
• I need to go pay a bill too... ugh.
  

Stratego Fail

I'm having a pretty good day just laying around watching episodes of Human Giant, so I'm just going to keep doing that. KTHXBAI.