Going to the Movies, Part I

The following addresses a few issues I have with the movie going public, both as a fellow movie patron and as the employee of an independent theater. I should stress that the following opinions are my own, and do not reflect the views of my employer (most likely). So, you've decided to go to the movies! Here's what you should do.

Step One:
If you don't know what movie you want to see, Find out what movies are playing! This can be done on the internet, by googling "movies" and entering your zip code. This can also be done by looking at your local newspaper (unless you live in a region where this isn't true). Your last resort should be to call the theater. If you do choose to dial a movie theater, do not choose the independent film theater that actually answers their phone. Choose a Cinemark or Fridley theater, which will greet you via robo-voice. The independent film theater's workers are busy eating Chinese food and don't want to answer the phone (probably). If you've accidentally called the independent theater and bothered me (a theater employee) by asking which movies are playing, DO NOT ask what the movies are about! You're wasting everybody's time. Stop it.

Step Two:
Find out what time the movie is playing! This information will come in handy when you figure out what time to leave your house to arrive at the theater five to ten minutes before the movie's listed starting time. Showing up fifteen to twenty minutes early is too early unless you're going to a premiere. Showing up thirty minutes early is completely unacceptable. I'm inspired to treat you unkindly. This is not to suggest in any way that showing up late is OK. If you walk into the movie during the trailers, it is a mild annoyance. If you show up to your movie late, before you buy tickets you should ask "has the movie started?" If the box office clerk answers "yes," then you are not going to a movie at this time.

Turn around and leave.

Walking into a movie once it has started is INCREDIBLY annoying. You've just made me miss five minutes of the movie! I WAS HERE ON TIME! You can't enter a dark movie theater without making a show of yourself. Despite any intended politeness, you're bothering people. If you've shown up to the movie late and you absolutely must go in, remember that you have forfeited your right to concessions. They're props for further bothering people (both movie patrons and employees who have to clean up your mess). You have also forfeited decent seating as you should locate yourself in the first open seat nearest to the entrance. This will minimize the time you are bothering the responsible movie goers. Despite the fact that you're paying for your own movie experience (and maybe your significant other's), you should remain courteous to the number of other people who are better than you at movie going.

Step Three:
(continues with "Etiquette at the Theatre," next Monday)