Going to the Movies, Part II

(Part I can be found @last_Monday_entry)

Now, you're @teh_movies (twitter has changed me). Even better, you're on time and know what movie you're there to see. You are a part of an elite group of movie going patrons (possibly only 2% of the general movie going population). Congratulations, but there's much more to going to the movies than just getting there.

Box Office
The only words you need to say to your box office attendant are "(number of people you're paying for)" and "(any words in the title of the movie you're seeing)." All other words are superfluous and unwanted, unless solicited (sometimes a box office attendant is just in a chatty mood). Pay your money and take your movie tickets. A "thank you" probably wouldn't kill you.

Concessions
Before you step into line to order any concessions, observe how many people are in line in comparison to how many employees are serving. Note this as it should play into your decision-making if the ratio of customers to employees is greater than 4:1. These are the times when you are only allowed popcorn (see: below for specific popcorn ordering etiquette), soda, and candies. Additional concessions such as nachos, muffins, and espresso drinks* are not acceptable. You're going to slow everything down; annoying everybody. Fudge you. No matter the patron:employee ratio, you should know exactly what you want by the time you're speaking to the employee. Also, you should have an adequate number of people on hand to carry away your order. Ordering more than you can carry makes you look even more dumb than you look, dummy. The first part of your order, if applicable, is the size of the product you're requesting. This probably sounds like the word, "large" as in "large soda" or "large popcorn" or "large and in charge." Following the size, if applicable, should be the specific product, such as "Sprite" or "popcorn (see: below)" or "Raisinets." Once your order is placed, prepare your payment and hand it to your cashier. At this point, you grab your concessions and leave the area where orders are placed. You do not linger at this point of sale to place straws or continue wondering if you also want a Hershey bar. Do that away from the place where you ordered as not to hold up the line. Even if there is no line, there is a line. Remember that.

When Ordering Popcorn...
A very sassy, late twentiesish albino once told me, "you can't see a movie without popcorn!" I beg to differ, but concede to avoid argument. What I will tell you is the most important thing you apparently don't already know. When ordering popcorn, you must include the size and your butter preference. Do not make the cashier ask you "what size?" or "with butter?" Jesus H Christ you've already wasted so much time!!! (I didn't place a "." after the "H" in "Jesus H Christ" because I believe "H" to be the full middle name, like the letter "S" in "Harry S Truman.") As a personal request, I beg you not to say the word "grease" in place of the word "butter". Also, one customer, the phrase "no extra grease" does not equal "no butter." Just say "plain," you ass. Also also, when you forget to tell me your butter preference and I ask you for it, do not add the phrase "is there any other way to eat popcorn!?!" to your answer. There are a couple of other ways to eat it, lady. I will show you tonight, when I'm off the clock. Srsly people, just say what size and "butter" or "plain." So very simple and so incredibly important.

Watching the Movie
This stuff is mostly obvious; yet, so very few people observe these rules. Turn off your cell phone's ringer. If you don't know how to do this, you shouldn't have a cell phone. Most theaters instruct you to do this on the screen while you wait for your trailers to begin (as noted in the previous entry, you should be seated before the trailers start, arriving before the listed movie time. Expect to watch the trailers. If you're annoyed by the length of trailers and ads before movies, complain via mail to the theater's owner. A certain independent local theater only shows two-three trailers before their films, w/ no ads! If they can afford to do this, so can the larger chains who have so many more people come through their doors. Personally, I'm convinced that theaters add an extra twenty minutes of ads and trailers in an attempt to get you to the concessions area more often. The longer you're there, the more likely you are to order that Hershey bar). Unfortunately for them, you should know the rule that you are only allowed to get up and leave the theater once during your visit. This can be used for concessions or a rest room visit. If your bladder is too small to make it through the movie without needing two or more visits to the old man's room, then you shouldn't order a soda. If you have the diarrhea, you shouldn't be in public. If you didn't order concessions before entering the theater, or are requesting a refill (the one and only one refill which it is acceptable to request), you must exit and re-enter the theater as quickly and quietly as possible. The longer you're up, the longer it'll take for me, the movie patron, to get back into the movie. If you anticipate needing to visit either the concessions or the rest room before seating, make sure to place yourself near a theater entrance. So... no phones! Also, no talking! DO NOT TALK! DO NOT WHISPER! If you have coughing fits, get the eff out of the theater! There's no excuse for your sounds in my ears. Throughout the movie, you are to be inanimate, peripheral scenery. When the movie is over, pick up your trash and carry it to the trash cans placed just outside of the exit. That's right. Clean up after yourself. Why the eff do people think they don't have to clean up after themselves if they're in a movie theater!?! Once you've disposed of your trash, leave the theater. Do not linger. Employees have to clean the theaters and prepare for the next round of people just like you to further ruin their afternoon or evening. Talk about the movie with your friends and discuss what you're doing next outside. You've paid your admission, but your time is up. Drive safe and we'll see you next time, @teh_movies.

*A special note about ordering espresso drinks at a movie theater: Are you serious? Are you expecting a movie theater employee to be a proper barista? Not likely. Don't bitch if you're drink isn't good. Also, know the difference between a latte and a cappuccino, dummy.