Billy's Law

I have bad luck. I would suggest that this is at most, ten percent my fault... the other 90 percent is fate's uncircumsized penis (fate is from the old school). When that odd-looking weiner rubs up against me in public, it tends to stick with me for a whole run of bad times. Then, just when I've nearly lost all will to live, fate will take it's manfwapper and go bother somebody else for a couple months... but it always comes back.

I intended to wake up a bit early yesterday as so I could take my car for an oil change and other miscellaneous services (tire rotation/tune-up/vaccuuming). Instead, I woke up around one o'clock and watched a movie. At three o'clock, I was ready to leave for work. ALL THINGS SEEMING COMPLETELY NORMAL AT THIS POINT. I walked around the back of my car towards the driver's side and when I rounded the corner, I immediately saw that my front tire was completely flat. "Well, eff," I said. I then backed my car up to clear a path so that I could take my dad's truck to work instead. My dad's truck hasn't been driven in a couple months which apparently led to the battery's suicide. Rather than jump the truck and have it probably die on me when I got off of work, I decided to put my spare tire on and just take my car as originally planned. I called my boss and amber-alerted him that I'd be "a bit" late due to the above circumstances. He replied, "well hurry your ass up!" FYI, My ass has one speed and skips a gear here and there. A strenuous twenty-five minutes later, the donut was applied and I was on my way to the nearest gas station (four blocks away) to air up said donut because of course, it was nearly flat.

I backed up to the FREE AIR machine, removed the cap from the valve stem, and proceeded to press the "ON" button, freeing the free air... unfortunately, somebody had removed the air guage from the machine. This must've been very confusing for the air inside as it heard the machine's awful hum and expected evacuation, only to get more blue-balled than Brainy Smurf. I'm at a quarter of a tank left in spirit and running a bit more than a half hour late for work as I replace the valve cap and head towards the next closest gas station (another mile and a half or so away). I got three blocks before seeing blinking red lights and two peppermint arms falling in my path. Four minutes later, AFTER NO TRAIN EFFING APPEARED (lest it be a ghost train), those arms rose and allowed my car to resume limping to the next air machine. I burned the last quarter tank of spirit gas whilst waiting... so, in two ways I was fuming at this point. Having had my spirit broken, I pulled into the QuikTrip at E 14th and Grand. Their machine was functional, my donut was filled, and I made it to work just over an hour late. Cue ice storm.

I had a pretty good night at work, building up Slumdog Millionaire and eating a mushroom, feta cheese, and red sauce calzone from Big Tomato. We closed early due to the storm and because anybody dumb enough to drive out for a movie in an ice storm doesn't deserve to be rewarded. I was feeling pretty OK, although intensely nervous about driving on the ice, especially on a treadless donut. No problems though, until I reached the same tracks from earlier just in time to meet the blinking, peppermint nemesis again. This time, there was a tangible train (I assume). I did not try to touch it. It was a short train, but a fair reminder that when you're Billy, you can never be Lindsay Lohan in that movie where she had good luck (before she lost it, then regained it... no, not Herbie...).

Now, I'm going to go get a new tire.