Wilson v. Wilson

I woke up this morning (this was likely) debating with myself, "who is the better Wilson?" Wilson from Home Improvement? Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Mennis (Walter Matthau)? Wilson the volley ball in Cast Away? Wilson Phillips (obviously not). Seeing as how this has occupied my mind for the last hour (that I've been awake), I've decided to work it out here at the i3109. PROFILES!!!

Name: Wilson W. Wilson, Jr. (Srsly)
Occupation: Philosopher and neighbor of Tim "The Toolman" Taylor
Portrayed By: Earl Hindman
Pros: father is Wilson Wilson, Sr. (triple name score); infinite life experience; infinite free time; neighbor to Jill Taylor (bored housewife/student/foil); possible disfigurement of lower half of his face; ability to stand in places where you can't see the lower half of his face; comfortable in fishing cap
Cons: high property insurance due to neighbor; possible disfigurement of lower half of face; may be bald

Grade: A+ (This is an exemplary Wilson)


Name: Mr. Wilson
Occupation: Retired, Coin Enthusiast
Portrayed By: Walter Matthau
Pros: planned well for retirement; has a hobby; played by Walter Matthau
Cons: neighbor kid is a real bastard; high property insurance because of neighbor; hobby is coin collecting; grumpy old man

Grade: C (This Wilson has room for improvement)


Name: Wilson
Occupation: Volley Ball, companion
Portrayed By: volley ball, blood, and twigs
Pros: tropical island locale; ability to float; blood face is intimidating; friends with Tom Hanks; ability to communicate without ever saying a word
Cons: just a volley ball; a tropical island is the worst place to be a volley ball (beaches = bruises); had to watch Tom Hanks perform dentistry with an ice skate; inability to move without wind or other force

Grade: B (Performing at high level, considering it is a volley ball)

Wilson W. Wilson, Jr. ftw!

WILSON BONUS ROUND!!!
Name: Wilson Phillips
Grade: F (It took three women to make this Wilson suck)

Name: Owen Wilson
Grade: B- (Score should be lower, but this Wilson tried to kill himself)

Name: Luke Wilson
Grade: B+ (This Wilson is much cooler than his brother; yet, made My Super Ex-Girlfriend)

Name: Rainn Wilson
Grade: C+ (This Wilson should try being funny outside of the Office)

Name: Woodrow Wilson
Grade: F+ (This Wilson wishes he were Calvin Coolidge)

Name: Ed Wilson
Grade: F (This Wilson looks like a football player, not a weather man)

Name: Jack Wilson
Grade: A (This Wilson will probably no longer be a Pirate soon)