Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The cookies may be watching us...

What's with Frosted Flakes tasting like a random pineapple farmer pissed all over them? The ingredients in the frosted difference between them and a patent infringement case with Corn Flakes must have been changed... probably had something to do with increased odds of cancer. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET CANCER AND/OR DIE FROM SOMETHING ELSE JUST BEFORE WE GET CANCER. Bring back the taste I remember from the kid times (which wasn't great, but far better than this)! Cookie Crisp still tastes the same. Cinnamon Toast Crunch still tastes the same. Frankenberry (the number one cereal of all time) still tastes the same (the day it doesn't, I'm strapping myself to the front of General Mills C.E.O. Ken Powell's home until it is returned to greatness). (Srsly). Of all the cereals that I enjoyed as a kid, it's only the cereals I ate reluctantly that taste different/worse - Frosted Flakes, Honey-comb (not plural), Trix, and Apple Jacks being my four test subjects in this study. I'm going to pick up a box of Cap'n Crunch (BERRIES) on my next trip to the store. I highly doubt that the folks at Quaker Oats would cross the Cap'n. That dude is obviously unstable. Sometimes I like to imagine that all of the cereal mascots live in a world not unlike our own. The Lucky Charms leprechaun would be in an asylum because of paranoia issues. The Trix bunny would be hanging out with the Honey Smacks frog trying to score some drugs. Tony the Tiger would be hopped up on steroids (THEY'RE GREAT!)... he claims they're for his asthma. The Cap'n would be on a mission in the jungles, trying to track down and kill Toucan Sam - ending his local crime syndicate and cutting the world's slave trade by seventy percent. Unfortunately, this may all be in the Cap'n's head... Then there's still the Cocoa Puffs bird, Count Chocula, the chefs behind Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and infinitely more obscure breakfast icons. There should be a series not unlike Fables featuring this cast. Somebody buy this idea from me and make it happen! Any Houser, M.D., I was disappointed to realize that I had cleaned out all of my cereal this morning, leaving me with Frosted Flakes as my only option to kick-start my metabolism for the day. I was even more disappointed when the taste in my mouth was even worse than I had expected. Now, I'm glad that I know the CEO of General Mills' name and that GM is the number two cereal producer, making over 13.5 billion dollars in 2008 and employing over 29,000 people in the US. Cereal, FTW.

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