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Random Bits

I wrote this-week-in-blogging off a few days ago; but rather than posting exhaustive-ottomottopea again, here's some random thoughts on my mind for February the 13th, 2009:

• It's snowing again... bloody miserable... is this London? (A: No. Des Moines' culture is put in place by a group of city planners who apparently like a lot of stuff, but don't really love anything).
  
• Pitchers and catchers report today. I'm boning up (did this phrase come from a dude who instead of studying at his girlfriend's, started "boning up" on her?) on my knowledge of other teams for my return to fantasy baseball management. If I were the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates, my opening day line-up would be: Nate McClouth (CF), Jack Wilson (SS), Craig Monroe (LF), Ryan Doumit (C), Adam LaRoche (1B), Eric Hinske (RF) Andy LaRoche (3B), Ian Snell (P), Freddy Sanchez (2B). I doubt it'll look like that...
• I wish I could find last night's premiere of "Delocated" to stream online.
• Important Things w/ Demetri Martin was as good as I suspected it'd be. I had no expectations. I suspect that I probably should've used expected in the first instance. Oh well.
• The College Humor Show wasn't too bad... actually, I may have enjoyed it. < /backhanded-praise >
• Still haven't seen How's Your News? I don't think I'll care for it... but maybe I'll watch it every once and a while, if you pay me... like a babysitter.
• What to do for lunch today? I have to go out and make a car payment. Maybe I'll get some Arby's on the way back? Damn. Everything good at Arby's is beef or ham on a chicken sandwich... maybe I'll get some China.
• I have three scripts to type up. That's better than no scripts, but I should probably write a couple more. Short Shorts 2009.
• I bought my Louis CK ticket. I'm considering also buying a ticket to see Ben Folds next month. They went on sale two hours ago... maybe they're sold out now? Eh.
• JB was just online and then off! I bet he'd eat China with me... if he had a long enough brake from the Home & Gardens expo... lawl.
• I just made what I believe to be a pretty killer Robin Williams reference on facebook.
• I'm considering only attempting to blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The 30 visits I've had this week aren't very encouraging.
  

Fail (Continued)

Ugh.

Funny Friends

My buddy Greg performed his first stand up comedy routine last night in Cedar Falls. I made the two-hour trip to see his five minutes and it was definitely worth it. Greg is a funny guy with some funny jokes. Once I get his permission, I'll put up the video I recorded of his set. My buddy Mike accompanied me on the trek up to CF (thankfully, as I can't stay awake while driving on the highway alone). We had a productive chat on the way up and back in regards to future projects of our own. Over the next few months, I hope to organize a way to showcase all of my funny friends. This includes plans to put together a comedy variety show with stand up from pals like Greg, sketch comedy, and some live improv. I'm going to be creating a website to gather all of these types of things and a bit more, including a podcast that we plan to start within the next couple of weeks. With these plans and the additional writing/shooting/editing of more Short Shorts, I should be a pretty busy guy for the next couple months. I'm looking forward to it.

Pittsburgh Pirates 2009 Edition

When I was a child, I made a poor decision which has definitely had a negative effect on my life up to this point. In 1992, I became a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. Baseball: I dug it, man. I participated in little league from tee-ball through my senior year of high school (when I quit to hang out with my girlfriend, after throwing out my arm). Over that time, I saw every good player on the Pirates roster move on to greener diamonds and/or increased steroid-use. Poor little Barry Bonds just wanted to be big and strong like Andy Van Slyke! After taking a much-needed year away from baseball in 2006, I participated in my first fantasy baseball league with my online music community for the 2007 season. Team "Loserage" lived up to the expectation set in their name, finishing last by a long ball. Team "Loserage" also consisted of 70% Pittsburgh Pirates. They were awful. Last year, I chugged into the new season with big hopes. The team had a new manager, hitting, and pitching coaches and was returning mostly the same team from the year before! Welp, things didn't go so well last season. This year, the team comes back with a far inferior offense and a new pitching coach. My expectations? This is the year the Pirates lose 100 games; unless:

• Paul Maholm overperforms as a five-starter and becomes an ace. Unlikely.
• Ian Snell finds his balls and starts throwing inside. Possible.
• Tom Gorzelanny remembers where the strike zone is, and hits it more than the ball zone (not-a-strike-zone probably sounds better). Not counting on it.
• Adam LaRoche hits above the Mendoza line in April. It doesn't seem likely to happen.
• Andy LaRoche hits avobe the Mendoza line at any point. It doesn't seem likely to happen.
• Jack Wilson can stay healthy and productive, netting the Bucs some good young players when he's traded in July. Oh geez.
• Freddy Sanchez hits more home runs. Hahaha.
• Brandon Moss doesn't break his knee again. He's our new Jason Bay!
• Nate McClouth and Ryan Doumit have equal or better offense and better defense. Why should they bother?
• Nyjer Morgan is fun to watch, but if nobody can hit or lay down a bunt behind him then he's worthless in Pittsburgh. Ugh.
• Eric Hinske regains prime form and becomes the starting right fielder. Longshot.
• The Sun eats the planet Mercury and instructs Venus to watch itself.
  

Give me liberty or give me taxes!

Yesterday, I was depressed for about three hours following my visit to an online tax filing service. I have been growing excitement in my brainfarm, in hopes of harvesting and selling off all excitement-based assets to fund a trip to the West Coast, specifically Los Angeles, CA. I had looked up airfare on priceline.com ($280 round trip) and was merely waiting to confirm my tax refund before locking in plans for a trip the last week of April. Last year, I made the least money I've made since becoming a working man. Last year was also the first time I've ever had to pay both federal and state taxes. I figured this was a gross anomaly and hadn't considered the idea that I may have to pay again this year. Unfortunately, if you follow me on twitter you already know that, I am once again in debt to the IRS. Instead of receiving a refund for what I hoped would cover my travel expenses, I actually owe the government twice as much. This all because of what I'm considering a final "eff Billy" from Clear Channel. Apparently, they weren't taking enough of my dollars away from me and I never realized it... so, maybe it's sort of my fault too, but not really because eff Clear Channel.

So, I spent a couple hours being bummed that I wasn't going to finally see the Pacific Ocean this year... I'm still kind of bummed, but also a little bit motivated to get my ess together and save up some dollars to go out there this summer. Why am I so stoked to visit L.A.? I've romanticized the place so greatly for a few reasons. A) UCB Theater - I want to be a comedy writer and taking classes at the UCBT would greatly increase my skills and chances of making that happen. B) UCB Theater - So many hilarious people perform regularly at the UCBT, unlike Des Moines, IA where Aziz Ansari cancels, Doug Benson visits for a weekend, and half a year later Louis C.K. comes for one night ($25 @ the Funny Bone, 2/26). We have live improv here in the form of old, unfunny people at the Stoner Theater... nothing like Asssscat or Comedy Death Ray. I have to import comedy via the internet, television, and the films that make it to Des Moines. C) It's month thirty of winter here and anywhere without snow sounds like heaven (but not that stupid Goddy heaven). D) A few of my friends live out there and it'd be really cool to visit them. E) Etc. etc. etc.

So, what am I doing to get my ess together? I'm going to update my resume and try to find a new job in a media-related field (such as television, internet, or non-Clear Channel radio). I'm also going to bust my arse writing sketches and preparing for our web series this spring. Hopefully, I can find some help learning some more video editing skills and become a decent editor (a skill it couldn't hurt to have if and when I make it out west). If you're reading this and know of any media-related job openings, please leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail: wondertaint@gmail.com. Kewl beans - now, I have a sketch to finish writing. It's a dark comedic play on the dramatic "you should call her" scenes in movies... fun.

Michael Phelps defies gravity... bongs

If only Michael Phelps would've gone on the record as an avid user of marijuana... Having a record breaking Olympian on that side of the argument would've really bit some of the other side's debate in debutt. Marijuana makes you slow. Ummmm, Michael Phelps isn't slow. Marijuana makes you lazy. Ummmm, does Michael Phelps look lazy to you? Marijuana makes you eat a lot of bad food. Ummmm, Michael Phelps eats that bad food because he NEEDS the calories. Marijuana will make you a deviant. Ummmm, does Michael Phelps' relationship with the tiniest of big-breasted Asian ladies lead you to believe he's up to any kind of "deviant" behaviour? The only people arguing for the legalization/destigmatization of marijuana only have hilarious comedians on their side - like @DougBenson (the My Cousin Vinny to Michael Phelps' Daniel-san)! Then again, the only people really adamant about defending criminalized marijuana are politicians and religious wackos. In a perfect world, nobody would listen to those maniacs! Personally, I say let people do whatever they want in the privacy of their own home, with the exception of murder, rape, and the creation/selling of addictive hard drugs. Then again, who wants to have to tell their grandma that they forgot to stop by because they were smoking weed? Not me.

blah ska blah

A quick reminder that DWS will be playing at the Vaudeville Mews tonight, doors at 5:00pm. We won't actually play until 7:30 at the earliest (I'd guess). Come see me forget the pre-chorus to "Goodbye" (odds are high despite Ginko Biloba supplements taken just before this entry). It'll be a pretty normal DWS set with the addition of a Moving Mikey song and a Slapstick cover that both Moving Mikey and the Mailbox Snatchers played. If you've read my personal band history blog from a couple months ago, you'd know that those are my previous bands. You knew that, right six visitors a day?

This seems like as good a time as any to talk about one of my favorite things. Ska! At some point in eighth grade, I was introduced to The Aquabats. It was at this very moment, my life diverged down a long, ladyless road. Sure, when you're in high school there'll be a couple of your ladyfriends at the ska show and you two will inevitably skank. It's high school and you're in a band... skanking should happen (at least oral skanking). If you're a socially-awkward guitarist with REALLY bad acne, it'll happen once and then in eight years you'll start a blog. Don't worry, the acne isn't quite as bad as it used to be... and you're fat. If you've seen the Less Than Jake, "evolution of a ska kid" t-shirts, you'll see a very real progression (as it is though, the Descendents' "evolution of man" t-shirt is my favorite "evolution of..." t-shirt). Unless you're Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Big D & the Kids Table, etc., it's really not acceptable to play in a ska/punk band after high school... let alone, three years after you dropped out of community college, but I do and so what!?! While most of my friends began listening to more rock-oriented genres, leaving ska behind, I've began listening to those same genres, shuffled in with ska. I still enjoy most of the bands I dug that eighth grade year and on. This isn't normal, I suppose. Anyways, one of the reasons these ska tunes are still in rotation is my fondness of the energy in the music. A good ska/punk song is like four Mardi Gras, man! Having a bad day? Put on The Fury of the Aquabats and listen to Captain Hampton and the Midget Pirates! TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN! Another reason I dig that ska music, mang: I heart puns and ska is ripe with the worst puns possible. Imo, the best ska-name I've seen was The Skabortionists (Iowa's best ska/punk band, circa 2003). The limitless abilty to throw "ska" on the front of nearly any word beginning with the letter "a" is totally skawesome. Skalmost Heroes! Skanarachist Cookbook! Skaustralia! Skatonement! Skalan Skalda! So many options, IT'S SKAMAZING! Skanyhow, I'm 24 now... and I still listen to and play ska. I'm going to be single forever.

UNBLOG'ABLE THINGS ON MY MIND:

• Bandit Burrito or Shangri-La or Hong Kong or Hu Hot?
• Why was I at a Denver multi-plex, connected to the Bronco's football stadium in my dream last night?
• Why was the stadium surrounded by a field of interconnected trampolines!?!
• Was the little boy who fell off actually me?
• It's really cold outside.
• A water main blew a few blocks from my house this morning. The Des Moines Register informed me via Twitter, when I woke up at 11am.
• Twitter is my favorite.
• @greggrunberg is a New Jersey Informant in Baseketball. Lawl.
• @steveagee is on the Sarah Silverman Program. Season One of which, I purchased last week for $7.50.
• Why aren't @DougBenson and @arjbarker following each other? They were in the Marijuanalogs together. Did they have a skrilla squabble?
  
• @arjbarker was also in Super High Me.
• Zach Galifianakis referred to the UCB guys as "a cult" in Super High Me.
  
• Zach Galifianakis doesn't have a twitter yet (to my knowledge).
• I'm pretty sure I'll be taking a vacation to Los Angeles, CA in April. Round trip airfare is only $285.
• I've never flown before and the idea kinda terrifies me.
• I hope to visit on a Friday when @DougBenson is recording an "I Love Movies" Podcast.
• If I get ahold of Sir, we'll go to Hong Kong or @BanditBurrito.
• If I get ahold of JB, we'll go to Shangri-La or Burger King.
• I really don't want Burger King.
• I'm pretty psyched that the Whitest Kids U Know (@WKUK) have a movie coming out in March. It is entitled "Miss March" and looks like my cup o' tea.
• I hear that "Mystery Team" is written and directed by the guy who made the infamous "Bro Rape" video.
• Both are indie comedies that aren't likely to show @FleurCinema.
• The multi-plex in my dream was named "The Fleur."
• It featured washing machines in the back row of the auditorium's second level seating.
• That's two weird theater dreams in one week.
• Still only one dream featuring Swamp Thing though...
• Time to make lunch happen.
• I need to go pay a bill too... ugh.
  

Stratego Fail

I'm having a pretty good day just laying around watching episodes of Human Giant, so I'm just going to keep doing that. KTHXBAI.

The Wrestler

The Wrestler is finally in Des Moines, opening today at the Fleur Cinema (and the Century... but eff the Century). I was worried that the extended wait to see this film would lead to over-hyping and inevitably disappointment. Fortunately, the movie is incredible and lives up to the much deserved hype.

Looking at the Oscar nominations, The Wrestler was left out of two catagories that given the competition, it should've won out. The first is for Best Original Screenplay, where the nominees are: WallE, Milk, Happy-Go-Lucky, In Bruges, and Frozen River. I chose not to see Frozen River, but did see the rest of those pics. WallE was a one dimensional story... really not much to it other than the spectacular visual effects. Milk is a biopic...which means the story was pretty much already written. Happy-Go-Lucky was a boring piece of shit with a couple cute British ladies and shouldn't have been nominated for anything. Finally, In Bruges was quite clever and a lot of fun; deserving of this nomination, imo. I think Robert Siegel's script should've won this category hands down. The Wrestler is an original story reflecting not just on the hard lives these wrestlers choose, but the effects of living hard until your body breaks down - the effect this lifestyle has on your personal life - being born one person, life changing you, and the choice to try and start over or burn out trying to carry your candle into the sunset. None of the stories nominated (with the possible exception of Frozen River) were so in-depth and personal.

The Academy did nominate Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei for Best Actor and Best Supporting Actress, respectively. If either wins, it will be tremendously deserved. The only competition for Rourke is Sean Penn's performance in Milk. Both are incredible. On one hand, Penn's character is currently so much more relevant given recent legislation denying basic civil rights to homosexuals. However, again Milk is a biopic. Penn had a model to follow. Mikey Rourke's character shows so much range. In the promotional material, the phrase "tour de force" isn't an overstatement - Rourke gives a powerful and moving performance. Given Marisa Tomei's competition, she should have her Oscar locked up both because her role is bigger than the others and requiring of her great performance.

The other nomination The Wrestler deserved is Best Picture. The nominees for which are: Milk, Frost/Nixon (which I haven't seen yet), The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, and last and completely undeserving, The Reader. What happens in The Reader? SPOILERS! Kate Winslet spends most of her time naked, either screwing a teenager or having him read to her because she's illiterate. WTF? Just because she can't read, she's going to sleep with a minor? Turns out, she did some Nazi stuff and gets old and learns to read, which finally makes her regret her Nazi-actions? WTF!?! This story is horrible. Given that, on the whole it's not a bad movie... just unremarkable. Nominating it shows that the Academy isn't looking for great movies, just formulas. The Wrestler belongs with Milk and Slumdog Millionaire, being recognized as one of the great movies of 2008. I think The Wrestler will stand alone against any of these films though over time, as one of the best films of the last decade.

BTW, Todd Barry is great as the grocery store boss.

Pranking an Immortal

written & directed by: ME!

cast:
Mikey C. as Mike
A.K. as A.K.
Neko as Unnamed Cat

If you like it, please hit the "funny" button. That would make me happy.

Bonkers Dream Alert!

I had a really wild dream this morning just before waking up (at 11:32am... WIN!). The dream consisted of myself and a large cast of people I didn't recognize, placed in an incredibly strange movie theater lobby. I was working, as a theater employee, behind a counter that seemed to be far longer than the theater's lobby. It also featured multiple old porcelain sinks, three popcorn bins, a cotton candy maker, pizza ovens, a can of oil sitting right next to an oven burner that was on, and an assortment of different Wonka-like machinery. There was also a waiting room, apparently between the employee break room and this infinite concession. I was not having a good time working this particular day (I remember seeing light outside the doors on the adjacent side of the lobby). At one point, I was walking through the waiting room and was stopped by an old man in a lifejacket. He said something to me that I couldn't understand. At this point, a child came up to me and reiterrated what the old man was trying to say... yet, I still couldn't understand it. I then asked the old man to "either make sense or fuck off." His kid joined him and they exited the building. I also recall attempting to retrieve a popcorn for a guy who refused to speak... unfortunately, each of the popcorn bins were suddenly seven feet tall and I couldn't reach inside. I asked a co-worker if there was a step ladder and she was not helpful. At this point, I said "eff it" and went back to the breakroom. Instead of a break room, there was a warehouse aisle featuring strange costumes and assorted backpacks. On the top shelf of this long aisle, there were mannequins dressed and staged in strange scenes... one of them was Swamp Thing sitting in a lobby, reading a newspaper. Having had my fill of this madness, I decided to finally wake up. A little more than an hour point five has passed and my brain still hurts. I was faced with the decision to either write about my dream or post a FAIL-BLOG for today. I probably should've chosen the latter...

fullbodycast

I forgot to post that my e-mail was featured in the listener feedback on fullbodycast, Chapter 21. If you listen in at 49 minutes and sixteen seconds, you can hear Kyle read my words. Neat! SouthSiderStudios, ftw.

Going to the Movies, Part II

(Part I can be found @last_Monday_entry)

Now, you're @teh_movies (twitter has changed me). Even better, you're on time and know what movie you're there to see. You are a part of an elite group of movie going patrons (possibly only 2% of the general movie going population). Congratulations, but there's much more to going to the movies than just getting there.

Box Office
The only words you need to say to your box office attendant are "(number of people you're paying for)" and "(any words in the title of the movie you're seeing)." All other words are superfluous and unwanted, unless solicited (sometimes a box office attendant is just in a chatty mood). Pay your money and take your movie tickets. A "thank you" probably wouldn't kill you.

Concessions
Before you step into line to order any concessions, observe how many people are in line in comparison to how many employees are serving. Note this as it should play into your decision-making if the ratio of customers to employees is greater than 4:1. These are the times when you are only allowed popcorn (see: below for specific popcorn ordering etiquette), soda, and candies. Additional concessions such as nachos, muffins, and espresso drinks* are not acceptable. You're going to slow everything down; annoying everybody. Fudge you. No matter the patron:employee ratio, you should know exactly what you want by the time you're speaking to the employee. Also, you should have an adequate number of people on hand to carry away your order. Ordering more than you can carry makes you look even more dumb than you look, dummy. The first part of your order, if applicable, is the size of the product you're requesting. This probably sounds like the word, "large" as in "large soda" or "large popcorn" or "large and in charge." Following the size, if applicable, should be the specific product, such as "Sprite" or "popcorn (see: below)" or "Raisinets." Once your order is placed, prepare your payment and hand it to your cashier. At this point, you grab your concessions and leave the area where orders are placed. You do not linger at this point of sale to place straws or continue wondering if you also want a Hershey bar. Do that away from the place where you ordered as not to hold up the line. Even if there is no line, there is a line. Remember that.

When Ordering Popcorn...
A very sassy, late twentiesish albino once told me, "you can't see a movie without popcorn!" I beg to differ, but concede to avoid argument. What I will tell you is the most important thing you apparently don't already know. When ordering popcorn, you must include the size and your butter preference. Do not make the cashier ask you "what size?" or "with butter?" Jesus H Christ you've already wasted so much time!!! (I didn't place a "." after the "H" in "Jesus H Christ" because I believe "H" to be the full middle name, like the letter "S" in "Harry S Truman.") As a personal request, I beg you not to say the word "grease" in place of the word "butter". Also, one customer, the phrase "no extra grease" does not equal "no butter." Just say "plain," you ass. Also also, when you forget to tell me your butter preference and I ask you for it, do not add the phrase "is there any other way to eat popcorn!?!" to your answer. There are a couple of other ways to eat it, lady. I will show you tonight, when I'm off the clock. Srsly people, just say what size and "butter" or "plain." So very simple and so incredibly important.

Watching the Movie
This stuff is mostly obvious; yet, so very few people observe these rules. Turn off your cell phone's ringer. If you don't know how to do this, you shouldn't have a cell phone. Most theaters instruct you to do this on the screen while you wait for your trailers to begin (as noted in the previous entry, you should be seated before the trailers start, arriving before the listed movie time. Expect to watch the trailers. If you're annoyed by the length of trailers and ads before movies, complain via mail to the theater's owner. A certain independent local theater only shows two-three trailers before their films, w/ no ads! If they can afford to do this, so can the larger chains who have so many more people come through their doors. Personally, I'm convinced that theaters add an extra twenty minutes of ads and trailers in an attempt to get you to the concessions area more often. The longer you're there, the more likely you are to order that Hershey bar). Unfortunately for them, you should know the rule that you are only allowed to get up and leave the theater once during your visit. This can be used for concessions or a rest room visit. If your bladder is too small to make it through the movie without needing two or more visits to the old man's room, then you shouldn't order a soda. If you have the diarrhea, you shouldn't be in public. If you didn't order concessions before entering the theater, or are requesting a refill (the one and only one refill which it is acceptable to request), you must exit and re-enter the theater as quickly and quietly as possible. The longer you're up, the longer it'll take for me, the movie patron, to get back into the movie. If you anticipate needing to visit either the concessions or the rest room before seating, make sure to place yourself near a theater entrance. So... no phones! Also, no talking! DO NOT TALK! DO NOT WHISPER! If you have coughing fits, get the eff out of the theater! There's no excuse for your sounds in my ears. Throughout the movie, you are to be inanimate, peripheral scenery. When the movie is over, pick up your trash and carry it to the trash cans placed just outside of the exit. That's right. Clean up after yourself. Why the eff do people think they don't have to clean up after themselves if they're in a movie theater!?! Once you've disposed of your trash, leave the theater. Do not linger. Employees have to clean the theaters and prepare for the next round of people just like you to further ruin their afternoon or evening. Talk about the movie with your friends and discuss what you're doing next outside. You've paid your admission, but your time is up. Drive safe and we'll see you next time, @teh_movies.

*A special note about ordering espresso drinks at a movie theater: Are you serious? Are you expecting a movie theater employee to be a proper barista? Not likely. Don't bitch if you're drink isn't good. Also, know the difference between a latte and a cappuccino, dummy.

Srsly.

Audio Sync

Did you know, recording in 16-bit audio is suggested not only for its improved quality, but also because it will save you the hassle of rendering a 12-bit audio project to DVD. I did not know this, but now I do. Knowing this before today may've saved me numerous DVD-Rs, but alas I did not know this then and so those discs are lost forever. Had I only the foresight to look into the differences between 12 and 16-bit audio, hours of burning time might not have been aflame in vain (aFIV)! A mere four bits of audio, transferred from medium to medium, so very important. It seems almost metaphoric...metaeuphoric, even.

The issue with non-16-bit audio files seems to be that they do not export keeping video and audio in sync. Depending on the length of the film, the audio jumps ahead of the video and slowly increases that lead up to a couple seconds. This means that on a standard length motion picture (1.5 - 2.0 hours), you can watch about half of the movie before this is too annoying to continue. This is however, not a problem when just putting a movie on for ambiance. The quality of the audio isn't noticably inferior (at least to my ears). When you look at the television though, the noise will not sync up with the video. This is important to understand.

The remedy hear (misspelled for pun) seems to be converting the audio to 16-bit prior to burning. This is what I will be looking into before attempting to render another 12-bit movie to DVD again. If you know how to do this already, you should leave it in the comments. You could be helpful. You could be full of help.

podcasts and comics undt fun

BLOG FAIL ALERT:
There will be no blog today because I'm catching up on podcasts and comics, riding the bike, eating food, printing fliers, and probably not being around the home 'til late this evening.

RANDOM JOKE?
I'm going to form an homage to mid-90s pop/alternative band called "Well Enough Alone." Eventually, we'll probably be called W.E.A. By that time though, I plan to quit the band. There'll be a press release stating, "Billy to leave Well Enough Alone." I'll take a regular job and in my free time, I'll write my memoirs. I'll entitle them, "I Knew I Could."

GO TO THIS:

Going to the Movies, Part I

The following addresses a few issues I have with the movie going public, both as a fellow movie patron and as the employee of an independent theater. I should stress that the following opinions are my own, and do not reflect the views of my employer (most likely). So, you've decided to go to the movies! Here's what you should do.

Step One:
If you don't know what movie you want to see, Find out what movies are playing! This can be done on the internet, by googling "movies" and entering your zip code. This can also be done by looking at your local newspaper (unless you live in a region where this isn't true). Your last resort should be to call the theater. If you do choose to dial a movie theater, do not choose the independent film theater that actually answers their phone. Choose a Cinemark or Fridley theater, which will greet you via robo-voice. The independent film theater's workers are busy eating Chinese food and don't want to answer the phone (probably). If you've accidentally called the independent theater and bothered me (a theater employee) by asking which movies are playing, DO NOT ask what the movies are about! You're wasting everybody's time. Stop it.

Step Two:
Find out what time the movie is playing! This information will come in handy when you figure out what time to leave your house to arrive at the theater five to ten minutes before the movie's listed starting time. Showing up fifteen to twenty minutes early is too early unless you're going to a premiere. Showing up thirty minutes early is completely unacceptable. I'm inspired to treat you unkindly. This is not to suggest in any way that showing up late is OK. If you walk into the movie during the trailers, it is a mild annoyance. If you show up to your movie late, before you buy tickets you should ask "has the movie started?" If the box office clerk answers "yes," then you are not going to a movie at this time.

Turn around and leave.

Walking into a movie once it has started is INCREDIBLY annoying. You've just made me miss five minutes of the movie! I WAS HERE ON TIME! You can't enter a dark movie theater without making a show of yourself. Despite any intended politeness, you're bothering people. If you've shown up to the movie late and you absolutely must go in, remember that you have forfeited your right to concessions. They're props for further bothering people (both movie patrons and employees who have to clean up your mess). You have also forfeited decent seating as you should locate yourself in the first open seat nearest to the entrance. This will minimize the time you are bothering the responsible movie goers. Despite the fact that you're paying for your own movie experience (and maybe your significant other's), you should remain courteous to the number of other people who are better than you at movie going.

Step Three:
(continues with "Etiquette at the Theatre," next Monday)

Greg Kinnear's Galactic Love Child?

Aside from being the future name of something I'm now resolving to be a part of this year, today's title reflects a thought that raced across my mind when I noticed what I believe to be an uncanny resemblance. Lady and gentlemen, Greg Kinnear looks like Howard the Duck; or moreso, Howard the Duck looks like Greg Kinnear (Howard is younger, so Greg locked it in first). Then again, Howard the Duck premiered in 1986... Mr. Kinnear's IMDb page only goes back to 1988... How could George Lucas have known people can't resist the charms of some big blue eyes below some blonde hair... unless George Lucas was (maybe still is) a Nazi and/or supporter of the Aryan Nation. As a blonde-haired male with big blue eyes, I will assure you I have no such allegiances to any such groups. It's just a sexy coincidence.

Now to the photographic evidence!

To be read after previous post!

Releases I'm looking forward to in 2009:
02/03 - Zack and Miri Make a Porno (DVD)
02/06 - Fanboys
03/10 - Role Models (DVD)
03/13 - Miss March
03/20 - I Love You, Man
03/20 - This Side of the Truth
03/20 - The Great Buck Howard
03/27 - Adventureland
04/10 - Observe and Report
05/15 - The Brothers Bloom
06/05 - Land of the Lost
07/10 - I Love You, Beth Cooper
07/31 - Funny People
10/16 - Where the Wild Things Are
TBA - Big Fan
TBA - The Mother of Invention
TBA - Mystery Team
TBA - Paper Heart
TBA - The Slammin' Salmon
TBA - Spring Breakdown
TBA - Visioneers

Commentary is Dysentery

That title is a stretch... I'll explain as I don't think that the homophone is obvious here. What that title means to express is that commentary is decent-ary. Now, onto today's post:

I made the venture to West Des Moines yesterday to pick up a DVD at Best Buy. If you know me, releases for Tuesday, January 6th, 2009, or both me and releases for Tuesday, January 6th, 2009, then you could infer that DVD is/was Pineapple Express. Pardon that "is/was." It's deceiptful for me to suggest the DVD "was," as that would entail the movie dieing - at least this is my understanding of the English language. The whole animate versus inanimate argument is lost on me as an Agnostic. BIG WHAMMYS! NO JESUS! Anyyyyyhow {WHY THE Y's!?! [allow me to side-bar here: is there a DJ YY yet? DJ Two Y's. DJ TOO WISE! (It's me now.)]} Anyhow, having watched the movie roughly fifty times over the last couple months (thanks Internets!), one might think I'd be sick of the film... If it were any other movie of 2008, that I had access to watch at any time, and that I had also loved, this may be true. Having very little chance of guessing that, I will only judge you based on your willingness to assume. If you've seen the red band trailer for "The Slammin' Salmon," you've seen and heard Michael Clarke Duncan say "when you assume, you make an asshole out of you'self."

OK, I'll get on with it. The whole point of this entry is that I am a fan of DVD commentaries, specifically on comedy films. Listening to guys like Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Paul Rudd, Andy Samberg, etc. chat is like having ultimate-Gawker-ears. I'm stoked to hear these guys who I admire, shoot the shit with their buddies. Sure, they're plenty aware that people like myself will hear their conversation; that doesn't take away from it to me. I enjoy the stories that led to the scenes, the random side-bars, listening to Jason Segel call out his director for not knowing what coverage is... and then hoping they'd explain it 'cuz I had no idea what they were talking about. Now, I know. It gives a guy like me, with my interests, motivation to press on in those interests. These guys' chats don't sound much different than the chats me and my friends have. Perhaps, I could write and shoot sketches and have some success at it? Neato.

This is all not-to-mention, additional special features. Gag reals, ftw.

After watching the disc-one bonus features and the movie with commentary once, I can justify the $25 I spent. I still have a whole second disc of features to watch! Srsly though, $25 is a bit ridiculous considering in three months it'll cost $15... and three months after that? Only $9. Oh welllllll [don't count these l's (no clever DJ name there)]. A couple less Chinese buffets for me. Bummer. There's only a couple other films from 2008 that I'll probably picking up my own DVD copy of. Step-Brothers and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Oh, and Role Models! Now, to see when the last two of those come out... also, to find the release dates for The Slammin' Salmon and Land of the Lost (Will Ferrell can do whatever he wants here; he has Danny McBride and Jorma Taccone behind him).

DWS @ the Mews, January 30th!

Do Germans agree it's 2009?

"Hello, German acquaintance. Happy 2008!"
"NEIN!"
"Oh, right! I keep forgetting! Happy 2009!"
"NEIN!"
"Wow, you're really jazzed about it, huh?"
"NEIN!"
"Well you could've fooled me, German acquaintance. You have any big resolutions for the big new year?"
"NEIN!"
"Yeah... I don't know why I do. Nobody ever keeps 'em anyways! Am. I. Right. Slap me five!"
"NEIN!"

(Re:) Resolutions 2009
I. Operation FSB (Fat Shit Billy)
     A. NO MORE MEAT!
         1. This excludes chicken, turkey, and fish.
     B. NO MORE SODA!
         1. Unless you're sick and want Sprite, 7Up, or a refreshing Fresca.
         2. Unless you're dieing and the only thing to drink is soda.
     C. EXERCISE BIKE!
         1. Got one.
             a. Makes my balls fall asleep... really weird sensation.
         2. Use it to ride a couple miles every couple days... IT HAS AN ODOMETER!
II. Operation $S [pronounced "s dollars" (short for "save dollars")]
     A. Get a full-time day job.
         1. Good idea, huh?
     B. Get tax return.
         1. We'll see about that...
     C. Vacation to Los Angeles, CA.
         1. The future home of Billy.
             a. Scout the area for harmful bacteria?
             b. Scout the area for possible employment!
             c. See: The Ocean.
             d. Visit PrrrrtyFood
III. Operation AA (Associate of Arts)
     A. Take remaining courses to complete AA.
         1. File with other useless paperwork.
             a. Assume another $2k in debt.
IV. Operation ABDS (Always Be Doing Something)
     A. WonderTaint/Short Shorts
         1. More YouTube mash-ups for editing practice and random LAWLing.
         2. Writing, Shooting, and Editing Some Short Sketches (Erroneous Capitalization Necessary).
     B. Driving While Stupid
         1. Writing some new songs for a new EP, already named.
             a. It is hilarious.
         2. Play Skappleton 2009!
             a. Moving Mikey did it having only played one prior show.
             b. Moving Mikey did not fare well at Skappleton 2007.
     C. Shroommates
         1. Shoot first episode!
         2. Finish writing second through sixth episodes!
         3. Shoot those episodes!
     D. New Music Review Blog
         1. This idea makes me giggle.
             a. An atypically typical music blog.

Some early results? I've already eaten some beef. It was hidden in the beef/turkey chili that J&K made. THAT ESS IS DELICIOUS! Srsly. Worth it. Otherwise, I've written the first episode of Shroommates, finished a new DWS song (sans lyrics), and managed to lose a couple pounds so far in 2009. I've also managed to have a cold. Boo cold. Boo not breathing through ya' nose.

...more like bitchfork, amirite?

No post today [yesterday (Friday)].

Two new projects in the works?

Maybe only one...

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

(This has absolutely nothing and everything to do with The Highlander)